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Happy Birthday, Norma!

July 1, 2015, 12:50 am
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Thirteen Babychams and a Creme de Menthe later, Norma still manages to retain her usual ladylike poise and dignity aboard Donald Trump's private jet as it whisks her home from a private party. (As you can see, Donald can barely contain his joy at having the tres sophistiqué Norma on his plane.)

 Happy birthday, Norma!
 Yes, we hope you have a wonderful day.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday from all of us!

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GoGoDragons!

July 1, 2015, 4:01 pm
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 The fine city of Norwich has been beset by dragons!

A rare mirror-scaled dragon patiently waiting to use a phone box in Tombland, Norwich

  Now, before you go blaming me or Witchface for "accidently" leaving a Cusp interface open allowing the dragons to make their way here, this was nothing to do with us.
Not this time, anyway.
Shhh!
 Heh heh. Just ignore the SubCs. I'm sure I don't know what they're on about!
 Anyway. Back to me. Or rather the dragons, as I'm sure that's what you really want to see.


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A Wednesday Wedding Washout

July 5, 2015, 8:50 am
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My wedding hat: Pom Pom
This '30s glamour wide-brimmed
chapeau is constructed from a
deep-pan margherita pizza topped
with a Turkish-shaved marmoset
and liberally sprinkled with
Angora rabbit tails
 Well, that was a bit of a disaster.

 I've just got back from that wedding (and its aftermath) I informed you I'd been forced into attending. Although it wasn't a guaranteed disaster (as I had previously hoped), its resulting disastrousness was somewhat of a surprise. I don't know why it should be a surprise, though. After all, who has a wedding on a Wednesday? 
 Oh, traditionally, Wednesday is supposed to be the best day to get married, but when one factors in all the selfish, thoughtless guests who find it so inconvenient to travel/abstain from alcohol/take days off work etc, organising a Wednesday Wedding can be a bit of a 'mare. Not to mention the unwelcome appearance of unwanted family members...

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Wish you were here, too

July 10, 2015, 4:31 am
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 Not to be outdone by Ms Scarlet, I'm also on holiday. Although I haven't actually gone anywhere, who needs to when one has a beach on one's doorstep? So, despite the horrendous British weather, and the hordes of tourists spoiling the beach, I decided to go for a swim. 

 Oh, hang on...



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Tin is for 10

July 10, 2015, 11:49 pm
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 I have been thinking about this for some time.

This poor young man was discovered at one of The Mistress's Crisco Parties smeared in the stuff and wrapped in tinfoil. Luckily, he'd only been in the oven for five minutes (which hadn't even been pre-heated - Mrs Beeton was spinning in her grave!), so he wasn't too hot and bothered.

 No, not the half-done strumpet up there, the 10th anniversary of this blog which falls on the 9th of October. As you may know, with wedding anniversaries, the traditional gift for ten years of wedded bliss is something made of tin. In this case, we shall be celebrating ten years of witchy nincompoopery with tin foil*, a.k.a. A Tin Foil Hat Competition!

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The Baby Sitter From The Black Lagoon*

July 15, 2015, 12:12 am
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 Another month, another "books read so far" post. And with just two exceptions, all these books listed here are re-reads. I haven't written summaries or info about all of these books as, quite frankly, I can't be bothered. I may come back later and do them.

 Probably not, though.


 30.The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, by Terry Pratchett

  As I have been partial to a bit of Terry Pratchett in recent months, when it came to choosing a book to read to while away long journeys or dull dinner hours, another Pratchett novel was a given. But which one?
 After some humming and hahing, and a recommendation from someone at work who had just re-read it himself, I selected The Amazing Maurice. As it has been some years since I last read this, and thanks to a poor memory, I couldn't really remember much about the plot and characters. So, it felt like I was reading this anew.
 The premise is that an intelligent cat (Maurice) along with his stupid looking kid (Keith, the Piper) promises to rid towns and villages of their rat infestations for a fee. The rat 'infestations' are actually a clan of intelligent rats (Dangerous Beans, Sardines, Peaches, Darktan et al) who travel with Maurice and Keith and pretend to be normal rats when they get to the target town/village. This is the story of what happened when they reach the poor town of Bad Blintz and uncover an ongoing scam orchestrated by a Rat King and some human rat catchers.

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How to Train Your Drag Queen

July 18, 2015, 12:27 am
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 I watched this strange film the other day. In it, a Viking village is attacked by hordes of drag queens. A lucky shot from a young Viking man's catapult brings down Lola, a big, black drag queen who he captures and imprisons in an airport lounge. His friends, Connie and Muriel, who normally live in the lounge, dress up as dragons to try and infiltrate a Northampton shoe factory, but are found out by a conservative French couple who are visiting their prospective son-in-law who owns it. The faux dragons then make goo-goo eyes at Channing Tatum who was in the factory commissioning a pair of gravity boots. Meanwhile, the Viking rides to Northampton on Lola to rescue Connie and Muriel, even though his dad, the Viking chief, forbids it. When he gets there, he steps on the maid's unshod foot which inexplicably comes off, necessitating a replacement made of -
 What!? What are you going on about?
 The film we watched.
 Don't you mean films?
 Do I?
 I think you do! Weren't you paying attention?
Oh, don't stop him. We were wondering what happens next.
Yeah!

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Cowbag

July 22, 2015, 3:17 am
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 Ug. What a week! And we're only half way through it.

 After our week and a half holiday, we returned to work on Friday just to test the waters, then had the weekend to get over the horror. Mondays are always ghastlier than a thousand ghouls, and this Monday was no exception. Work wise, anyway. Having returned home at 6:45 pm, boiling hot, hungry, tired and grumpy, Indescribable called. Yes, she and Babyzilla were at The Parents!
 Indescribable wanted to go and see Jurassic World, but didn't have a Babyzillasitter as The Mother and The Father were going out. The last thing I wanted to do was 'zillasit, but unluckily Inexcuseable stepped in. She said she'd look after Babyzilla so I could go to the cinema with Indescribable (as she didn't want to go on her own). Oh, great. Going out on a 'school night'. And a Monday, at that!
Gitface (in black) and Car (in red)
 By this time it was 7 pm and the film started at 7:10, so you can imagine the rushing around that took place. I quickly de-worked (got changed), stuffed my face with a melted and partially-reformed Wispa bar (that had been in Inexcuseable's husband's lunchbox for the past week) and a couple of biscuits, hightailed it over to The Parents' in Car (which was still reasonably cool inside as I'd had the climate control on for the drive back home from work) closely followed by Inexcuseable and her husband in their car, had a quick cuddle with Babyzilla before dumping her on Inexcuseable and jumping back into Car with Indescribable. We made it into Cromer in excellent time (it's only a couple of miles away), found a parking space right by the cinema, and got our tickets and Minstrels* (no queue - yay!). And, unlike the last time I went to Cromer Regal Movieplex, the air-con was working - thank the gods!
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A - Z of This Witch's Garden: A

July 26, 2015, 5:10 am
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 Because my mind has inevitably gone blank, I can't think of anything else to post but this: 
Cedplop the Annoying relaxing near some catnip
(probably after he's ruined something).
The first in a series of gardening and plant-related posts. I did kind of start this a little while ago with a Spring Garden A B C, but Cedplop ruined it (because he's a little ruiner), so I thought I'd give it another go. Originally, I was going to do the whole A-Z in one post, but it would have been rather large, and too much like hard work to sort out all the photos. So, instead, I've decided to break it down to one post per letter.

 I suppose we'd better begin with A, then? And remember, the photos are just a click away from being engorged to breath-taking proportions! 

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Mud

July 29, 2015, 9:50 am
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 Good job I posted the previous post when I did, as the past few days have been cold, wet and windy, and the garden now looks like a tidal wave has hit it!

 Things are so bad that I've had to enlist the assistance of a couple of the more outdoorsy-type warlocks from that coven in the next village.
 Although, I'm already regretting it as my gin reserves have somehow dropped to alarmingly low levels, and all they seem to be doing is uphill gardening...

 
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For Sale: Houseboy novels

July 31, 2015, 11:55 pm
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A Houseboy in Wonderland,
by Charles "Jammy" Dodger
 I need to make room on my bookshelves for an impending delivery of new Star Trek novels, and after practically no wailing and gnashing of teeth, I have decided to part with some of Witchface's treasured Houseboy collection.

Hey! How very dare you! Those are all priceless first editions!

 First editions, maybe, but the only way they're priceless is because nobody in their right mind would pay anything for them! They're cheap and nasty tat that likely originated from some dire airport newsagent. 

 Oh, very well. They're free to a good home, so just help yourselves.

 As usual, click the pics for small-print magnification.

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Solanum Sallet

August 3, 2015, 4:45 am
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 Ug. I've been invited to a gathering, a cauldron party*, and I can't get out of it. To make matters worse, I've been given a recipe for a potion or somesuch that I'm expected to bring.

 I'd better get started as I'm due there in an hour. 

Ingredients:
 ‡ Nightshade roots - Hmm... I wonder which sort? Solanum dulcamara? Solanum nigrum? I hope it's Solanum tuberosa as I have a bag of Désirées that are starting to sprout...
 ‡ 6 fl ℥ of sour milk from a cow frightened under a full moon - Good gods. I can't wait until 29th August to scare a cow, so ::rummages in the fridge:: this sour cream with a use-by date of 31 July will have to do. It still smells OK, and the 31st was a full moon...
 ‡ 1 heaped tablespoon of an unbaptised virgin boy fat/cockerel egg emulsification - So, mayonnaise then. ::rummages in the fridge again:: And this one made from virgin olive oil is the closest to it that I've got to hand.
 ‡Mentha longifolia, finely chopped- Ah. Horse mint. Well, I'm not going out for that now, so spearmint from the garden is going to have to do.
 ‡ Crown of Basilisk, finely diced - Well, I don't have any of that either, but I do have basil, so I'll use that instead. Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have put that newly hatched basilisk down the waste disposal unit.
 ‡Allium schoenoprasum stems - What the- ? Oh, chives! I have these! Maybe this recipe won't be such an unmitigated disaster after all?

 Now to concoct this diabolical recipe. Apparently, it only takes half an hour or so...


34 minutes later...


 After all that, I've ended up with bloody potato salad!



 Bugger.


* Very similar to a Tupperware party, but with less of that plasticky, stale air smell.

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In through the Out door

August 4, 2015, 1:42 pm
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Not my actual hulking blond delivery god,
but a fair approximation thereof
 This morning I was so distracted by the hulking blond delivery god at work, that I walked in through the out door (think more "Raspberry Beret", by Prince, rather than the titular 1979 album by Led Zeppelin).

~

 As I approached the office, the shrunken lump of coal I call my heart skipped a beat when I saw a white van outside. He's here! The only thing that makes walking into the building pleasurable. Yes, I know I'm objectifying him, but I don't know his name and I'm certainly not going to talk to him, so what're you going to do? 

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Two Months 'Til The Tinfoiled Ten!

August 9, 2015, 3:37 am
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As you can see, this young man in his
tinfoil shorts is attempting to withhold
his excitement at the prospect of another
Tinfoil Hat Competition
 As promised, here is the first reminder for the be-tinfoil'd 10th anniversary of my arrival here in the 21st century-
 And of this blog!
 Yes, that too. I hadn't forgotten.
 Good, because it's the blog that has made all this possible.
 OK, OK! I said I hadn't forgotten. My, you are a bit mardy this morning, aren't you?

 Anyway, getting on with the show: The 9th October this year will be the 10th anniversary and, as we mentioned before, we'll be holding another Tinfoil Hat Competition to commemorate the auspicious occasion.

 I still haven't decided on a theme, so anything goes - Let your juices run wild! Your creative juices, that is, as tin foil is notorious for not having the capacity to mop up errant spillages... 
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Of Brownies and Bees

August 15, 2015, 3:10 am
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Exceedingly gooey cherry shortcake brownies
(made by my own fair hand, of course)
 It was all go here on Thursday. One of my Hags had come to visit, but no sooner had we settled down to gossip with tea, coffee and homemade brownies, when we were rudely interrupted by a low, loud droning noise. In less than a minute, we could barely hear ourselves think nevermind take notice of the juicy tidbits of gossip we each were disclosing. There was only one thing for it: We had to investigate.

  Vacating the comfort of my hurriedly tidied living room, we grabbed our brooms from the umbrella stand in the hall and left the house (via the back door, naturally). A quick and low flight amongst the tree tops brought us to the cliffs and the lighthouse, and there, heading slowly along the cliff edge towards Overstrand was the source of the noise: the most enormous bee we'd ever seen!
An enormous bee at the lighthouse cliff in Cromer

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Pens: The best friends you can have!

August 19, 2015, 7:33 am
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A reason to be a witch

August 23, 2015, 5:33 am
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 After the excitement of all those pens, pencils and papers, there's nothing much to report here. The Host assisted Indescribable and Babyzilla to return from whence they came yesterday.
 They were here camping, so Inexcuseable's husband helped them pack up and I kept Babyzilla amused and out of the way. I've also been doing some maintenance both here and at The Parents'.
 And we've just got back from the woods behind Castlette DeVice in Northrepps. Here are some photos, to prove it (as always, click to enhance):
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My asshole is doing as much to keep me alive as my brain*

August 26, 2015, 3:39 am
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 Just got time for a quick update of books read since the last book post.


  38.The Martian, by Andy Weir

 This was a fantastic read! Thrilling, gripping, emotional, and believable. I actually choked up in a couple of places because I was so engrossed and invested in the plight of the only man on Mars.

 I can't wait for the film, now.


* Post title from page 14.

 39.The Long War, by Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter

 This is the second book in this series about the discovery and exploration of parallel Earths. It continues the adventures of Joshua Valiente "the Hero of Step Day", Monica Jansson, Sally Linsay, and Lobsang the Tibetan motorcycle mechanic reincarnated as an Artificial Intelligence. New characters include Maggie Kauffman, captain of a twain (airship); and Nelson Azikiwe, a former vicar. 

 40.Wilde Stories 2015 (the year's best speculative gay fiction), edited by Steve Berman

 I think I saw a review on io9 for this anthology, but I can't find it to link to just now, so may be I saw it somewhere else?
 Anyway, this book collects 13 short stories in which one of the main characters happens to be gay, or at least have some sort of homosexual experience but which isn't the focus of the tale!
 There are some weird, dark stories amongst this collection, some of which I didn't much care for, but a few I found to be quite fascinating: The Oily Man by Alex Jeffers - a period piece about a man in a foreign land who is visited by a local "monster"; A Gift In Time by Maggie Clark - a tale of a man capable of time-travel who is infatuated by his boss's assistant; and Werewolves of Northland by Patrick Pink - a very sweet story of the only werewolf in a small town discovering another like him. 


 41.Long Shot (Star Trek: Seekers 3), by David Mack

  The third in the Seekers series was a non-stop action and adventure story about the USS Sagittarius crew's discovery of a world where the laws of probability have been shot to Hell! The writing (as always from David Mack) is excellent, and there's some great character work, but I just couldn't believe in the premise.


 42. The Long Mars, by Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter

 This was by far a more interesting read than The Long War - The story was neither here nor there for me, but the discoveries that Captain Kauffman and her crew make while traversing the Long Earths, plus the discoveries made by Sally Linsay throughout the Long Mars were riveting.  



 
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I've got my eye on you!

September 1, 2015, 2:37 pm
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 No. Wait. I haven't.

 It's the first of the month so a new post is required, but as I've been a little busy lately, I haven't got anything finished, so you're going to have to put up with this.

 Normal service should resume shortly.

 
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Abuzz with tits and tails

September 3, 2015, 12:14 am
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 The garden has been a hive of activity recently, as the following photos may attest.

 Plus, it's absolutely tipping it down here at the mo, so the sunshine in most of these pictures is a welcome respite.


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